Anxiety

All throughout my life I have battled some form of anxiety.  When I was a kid I played outside, was active and didn't notice it much. In high school I always tapped my pencil.  Never sat in my seat much. It wasn't till I was marries and my wide mentioned that my twitching, constant toe tapping and at night the shaking in the bed could be because of anxiety. 

The moments in hishchool where the world would slow down and I would race my thought. Who would have known those were panic attacks. I sit here in bed with my left and right feet only doing what I can describe as "wringing your hands motion". Heart rate increases and my eyes dart back and forth.

So if its not my heart its my back if its not my back its in my head blah! When can I be normal?  Well not normal normal just not always in pain /out of breath/weakness?

On a light note took mandy to see circ de sole tonight amazing!

10 days

10 days till I can see you again hug you.... will you have changed? Will you still be the same? I hope you will walk the straight and narrow because Im tired of chasing after your twists and turns. I get tired of calling after you only to have you never call back. I hope you will let me in let me help you with your hurt and brokeness I am broken too but not in the same way I van help you if you help me. We all make mistakes and I will forgive you if you forgive me. Will you pick up the phone when I call? Answer my texts instead of ignoring me? Its been almost 8 months without you but it feels like years so much has changed bit I still remain. I will love you no matter what but I must protect my family if you are not safe to be around I must love you from a far. Please please know I will try as long as you do I love you so.

Let your heart fly

So I'm 2 years post opp for my valve and something I have always wanted to do is go skydiving.  My wife is not very keen on the idea however It is something I have wanted to do my whole life. I guess I will just have to ask the Dr next Tuesday.

Living with a broken heart

Sitting here in my bed not sleeping tonight I decided to write on my never used blog.

I know I could always lived with a damaged heart or slightly repaired heart but now I must also live with a broken heart. On Monday February 20th 2012 my wife and I's bundle of joy turned to sheer panic. Something was wrong and this time I wasn't the one that had to bare all the medical problems. My wife and I lost what could have been our first child. We were so wrapped up in the child dealing with marfans that we never throught about not having a child at all. If we had the child we could go to a Dr. and work with it however what do you do if you aren't even given the chance.

There will always be a part of my heart that that child should have held. It will be a part that no matter how advanced medicine gets they will never be able to replace what I have lost this day.

So for now I will continue to love the two children I have in this world (cockers) I will shower them with all the love I have till God blesses me with a child of my flesh and blood.

Sad day to be a mutant.